The Philadelphia Eagles just won the Super Bowl, and you know what that means: No one and nothing is safe in the City of Brotherly Love. Philly sports fans are notoriously…enthusiastic. The Eagles once had a special court for unruly fans, in their stadium. You might think a Super Bowl victory would placate such fans, but it could in fact spell temporary doom for civil society in Philly. Picture The Purge, but with cheesesteaks and a lot of people chanting “Fly, Eagles, fly!”
If you live far from Philadelphia or Minneapolis (where the game was held), don’t worry: You’re probably outside the path of exuberant destruction. But anyone in Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Ohio, West Virginia, Delaware, Maryland, Iowa, Michigan, North Dakota, South Dakota, or Wisconsin should prepare themselves. Here’s a foolproof guide to keeping even the drunkest, most intense Eagles fans from ruining your night.
Lock your doors
Don’t let the erratic movements and unintelligible yelling deceive you: Philly fans are clever, like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. They open doors! Make sure yours are secure, and turn off all your lamps for good measure. They’re attracted to bright lights and shiny objects. If you see one, do not run. They are fast. So fast.
Hide your horses
Don’t hold them, hide them! For reasons that escape me, Philly fans seem particularly aggressive around equine creatures. Twice in January, Eagles fans punched police horses. Punched them. Do not put your horse in a stable—that’s the first place the horse-punchers look. Maybe try covering the horse with a blanket that says “not horse” and see how it goes.
Hide yourself
If you live near Philly fans tonight, it’s important to stay out of projectile range. Because they do like to throw things. For example: snowballs, beer bottles, memorial bracelets, batteries, giant fake money bags, and cheesesteaks.
Put on a poncho
Should a Philly fan find his or her way into your house, the first thing you should do is protect yourself from potential exposure to fluids like beer, spit, and vomit. During a 2010 Phillies game, a 21-year-old fan was booted for unruly behavior. On his way out, he intentionally threw up on an off-duty police officer and his 11-year-old daughter. That’s not a fun Sunday! Prepare accordingly.
Rub everything down with Crisco
Before the NFC championship game, Philadelphia city workers greased up telephone polls with Crisco in an effort to keep Eagles fans from climbing them. For the the Super Bowl, they switched to hydraulic fluid. If your home has any cylindrical pillars, it goes without saying that you should cover them with some sort of lubricant, as soon as possible. For good measure, lather all the countertops and smooth surfaces in your home as well; it’ll discourage stray fans from foraging for food or napping on your coffee table.
Listen, Eagles fans deserve their moment. The team has never won a Super Bowl, and it just made history in the best way possible: by beating the most successful (and probably most-hated) team of the past two decades. That’s why it’s all the more important to give the fans a wide berth. Let them tucker themselves out. After all, once they’ve had a few [dozen] drinks and climbed a few poles, they’ll hit up a Wawa for snacks and head on home.