Predictions are worthless unless you’re plunking down your own cash money on them. I’m not – putting my own cash money down, I mean. Worthless, though? I’m just the guy to deliver some worthless baseball predictions.
Every team will attack the Cubs with high heat the way the Dodgers did in the NLCS. But this group of quick studies will attack it right back unlike the way they flailed against the Dodgers. Now what, NL?
Even so, future White Sox supernova Michael Kopech will beat the Cubs in September, striking out 12 with a high fastball that will give the Cubs trouble for 10 years.
Kris Bryant will win his second MVP award and respond by tell voters: “You like me. You really like me.’’
Tim Anderson will make the All-Star team.
Same deal, Lucas Giolito.
After each Giolito strikeout, Sox fans will sing out the adapted chorus of Boz Scaggs’ famous refrain: “Lito, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.’’ (Kids, ask your parents.)
Willson Contreras will go to the mound any stinking time he wants, Mr. Umpire. So there.
The Cubs bullpen will finish the regular season with just four of the eight pitchers who make the opening day roster.
Justin Wilson will be closing by September.
Tommy La Stella will return to the major leagues and deliver hits that are better than his all-world pranks.
Jon Lester will make his annual throw to first and pick off some sucker.
The Cubs will lobby to make sure the Cardinals don’t fire Mike Matheny.
Brewers manager Craig Counsell will bat 1.000 with his Cubs snark.
Yoan Moncada will hit 25 homers because he has to.
Nicky Delmonico will do something. Or maybe not. Who cares. I just love the name. Nicky Delmonico sounds like it should be the name of the character who helps Chuck finally get Axe in “Billions.’’
Eloy Jimenez, AL Rookie of the Year.
Kyle Schwarber will hit 38 homers. They will travel a combined light year.
Joe Maddon will show how much he loves flamingos by coloring his hair pink and get a Twitter shoutout from, yeah, of course, Pink.
Elisabeth Moss, however, will remain all shirtless Anthony Rizzo, all the time. Like all of us, I guess.
Rizzo will make some phenomenal play that will be topped only by his off-field endeavors.
Javier Baez will swing so hard on a 2-and-0 curveball that Neil deGrasse Tyson will tweet about a shift of the planet’s axis.
Jose Abreu will go 30 and 100 because that’s what he does.
Mike Trout will post a wins above replacement of 25 and the Angels will finish 10 games out.
Hawk Harrelson will receive a ballpark full of gifts from the Sox when he broadcasts his last game, but the best move will be the plate umpire presenting him with a tea cup.
Somebody will name a fantasy team “You’re Killin’ Me, Smalls.’’
MLB will change the Home Run Derby so it features Benny “The Jet’’ Rodriguez against Kelly Leak.
The Cubs will win the NL Central. Duh.
The Cubs will play the wild-card-winning Phillies in the National League Division Series with Lester facing Jake Arrieta in the opener at Wrigley. Group hug.
The Cubs will beat the Nationals in the National League Championship Series because it’s what the Cubs do to the Nationals.
The Cubs will face the Indians in the World Series. Hey, they played seven games in 2016, and it still wasn’t enough. I’m re-upping for that.
And I’m re-upping for another Cubs parade.
The BearSSSSSS will go 16-0, my frents. BearSSSSSS.
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